"Ten movies streaming across that, that Internet, and what happens to your own personal Internet? I just the other day got... an Internet was sent by my staff at 10 o'clock in the morning on Friday, I got it yesterday. Why? Because it got tangled up with all these things going on the Internet commercially.
[...] They want to deliver vast amounts of information over the Internet. And again, the Internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a big truck. It's a series of tubes. And if you don't understand, those tubes can be filled and if they are filled, when you put your message in, it gets in line and it's going to be delayed by anyone that puts into that tube enormous amounts of material, enormous amounts of material."
Naturally, he was ridiculed relentlessly on the internet and, perhaps more notably, by John Stewart on The Daily Show. I even took a jab at him with a poorly made remix.
His stutter laden tirade is intriguing on several levels. Why was his staff trying to send him an internet? The whole internet? Could there be more than one internet? Perhaps the government has their own secret network of internets. Did Al Gore invent all of them, or just our own personal internets? When President Bush said "I hear there's rumors on the internets." perhaps it was more than just another linguistic error, but a momentary lapse of judgment in which he revealed a classified government secret. No wonder Ted's tubes keep getting clogged up! They're trying to send him enormous amounts of material. Indeed, that is not something that can be simply dumped on a truck.
The most disturbing aspect of it all is that Senator Stevens was arguing in favor of a bill that would rid us of net neutrality. In a nutshell, that would allow for telecom companies to tax webmasters in exchange for faster loading times, while making the websites that chose not to pay load painfully slow, effectively ruining the intertubes.
One might wonder: Why would a man argue so passionately in favor of such a destructive piece of legislation when he doesn't have a fucking clue what he's talking about? (Did I mention that he's chairman of the Committee on Commerce, Science and Transportation? It's his job to know this shit.) The answer is simple. He is being payed off by the telecom companies so he can pass their bill and they can get filthy stinking rich. At least, that was my theory. Just a theory...
...until now.
Agents from the FBI and IRS raided his house today. It had been remodeled in 2000, a project that more than doubled its size. Stevens claims that he paid for the remodeling with his own money, but a contractor has said that they were hired by Veco (an oil company) CEO Bill Allen, who reviewed all the invoices before the Stevens paid them. Allen and a vice president for Veco recently plead guilty to bribery, extortion, and other charges connected with paying off state legislators.
So now we can reasonably confirm that my theory was correct, and that Ted Stevens is in fact accepting bribes from lobbyists. But why does he need all that money? He must be saving up for something big. Something that would require a bigger house for storage. Something that he would need regular access to from the comfort of his own home. Ah yes, its all starting to make sense now...
He's stocking up on TUBES! What a delightfully evil plan! Never again will he wait for days to receive his internets! No, Ted Stevens is a United States Senator. He has big important things to do, and can't be bothered with clogged tubes like the rest of us peons. When it comes down to brass tacks, Ted needs the facts, and he needs an internet on his desk ASAP. The legislative branch is serious business, and Mr. Stevens doesn't fuck around.
If I didn't hate the guy so much, I might feel sorry for him, or at least find him somewhat endearing. He's like a real life Grandpa Simpson. The poor man is obviously senile and has to deal with the pressure of making decisions that affect the lives of 300 million Americans. Is it really very surprising that he became certifiably batshit crazy? In a way, it's kind of cute.
Well, not really. He's just a stupid asshole. I hope he gets what's coming to him.
